Sunday, December 12, 2010

A conversation between my father, myself, and myself.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,
Will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

This is an ironic intervention
Self warns self of inner tensions
Intimates incensed intentions
"you can't do everything yourself"
I tell myself and help myself
"let others be for you, and you for others,
for your father mother sisters and brothers."

But I'm so tired of asking questions
so tired of not knowing - and not knowing -
and not knowing where I'm going
So tired of trying and not trying
tired of this and that or that and never surety
Was there every such a disease as expectations?

I took upon myself everything I could and could not carry
I took upon myself to bury my doubts
And on that ground proposed to marry
To lay the rings and say my vows.
"He is no lover who does not love forever."
Humbly kneeling, eyes down and gazing upward.
If this is impossible I shall remain a lonely bachelor.

The webbing stretched across the sky
Connections crossing star-crossed eyes.
I can think of nothing but thoughts
and do not wonder but ignore.
I can cram and compact cross-sections and intersections,
But an unpayable toll in both ears,
And a warden seated on my tongue,
Imprisons the heterogeneous soup
And sips but does not swallow
Fills but remains hollow
Distracted, lets go of what it questionably held.

Before a wooden crucifix I prayed
And found God even in its splinters.
But when I questioned
He gave such cryptic answers
and questioned my incensed intentions.
I found a wanting; I don't know where.

But I'm so tired of asking questions
I shall not shout anymore
I shall not disturb the universe
I shall not dare. I shall not dare.
"Teach me to care and not to care."

A fisherman in faith put forth his nets all night
And caught nothing.
Then saw his lord upon the shore
And cast his nets in faith once more.
So he breakfasted with Jesus.

Our Father in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on
earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day:
An answer, or remain silent and answer.
Let being be what seeing cannot see
Let grace replace sufficiency.

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