Sunday, August 8, 2010

1 Chronicles 28:9 (an update)

Where am I?

I'm sitting in my library, I'm listening to a really awesome pandora station (email me if you want me to share it with you) and procrastinating writing my novel by writing a blog post. I've had a ridiculous sleep schedule for the past week (thank you, nanowrimo + trying to read through the whole bible in two months). Those are the externals.

I am... not lost. I don't think I'm lost. But I'm not entirely sure where I am.

God has been making himself real in His word. Or, I have been encouraged by His word. "As for you, my son Solomon, know the God of your father, and serve Him with a whole heart and a willing mind; for the Lord searches all hearts, and understands every intent of the thoughts. If you seek Him, He will let you find Him; but if you forsake Him, He will reject you forever." I've learned that God must reveal himself to me. I mean, I knew that, but I still thought (think?) that I could find him on my own. I guess not. Now I want to know what it means to seek Him.

I went back to the Orthodox church in Boston this morning. I felt grateful for the many times the liturgy repeats, "Lord, have mercy." I've been trying to do things on my own for far too long. And... I don't want to burden others around me. I am looking forward to when God is real enough to be a comfort to me. And he is, more and more. How can I explain this? I believe in everything the Nicean Creed says. It's only that I believe it all in my head, and maybe not all of it in my heart. God is becoming real to me, and I am learning how to breath, I'm learning how to feel.

Speaking of feelings. I let myself fall in love with someone. And then the rational part of my thoughts explained how foolish that was, and - after a very long internal struggle - I told that person that we couldn't like each other in that way. And it hurt. Kids, falling in love is just like growing a beard. Don't try it until you're ready, it will just be awkward, a little laughable, and painful when it ends. If you're a girl, I'm sorry, you'll have to provide your own simile. If you were curious, that's what all that crap about heart and mind was about. For the record, I'm still not sure I did things right, but I'm pretty sure breaking off the relationship (if not the way I did it) was the best choice for both of us. Be careful when you let yourself like someone, kids, it's not just you that can get hurt. (Also, as far as it goes, "liking" someone and being "liked" by someone is a wonderful feeling.)

If you want, you can pray for me. But I don't want you to worry for me. Or to feel sad for me. I am sharing this with you so that you can understand me and where I am and not worry that I am somewhere else. This is where I am. I'm not 100% sure where it is, but I don't want you to worry about that.

If you want to pray, pray this: That I would seek after God, and that He would let me find Him. That I would have wisdom in dealing with my relationships (of any kind). That I would be strengthened.

Thank you. I love you. I swear to God, I love you, and everything I do I try to do out of love for you. Sometimes, I care too much about myself to love you rightly. Sometimes I don't care enough about myself (or care rightly about myself) to love you rightly. But I love you. I love you, and that is the most important thing to me now.

6 comments:

  1. You make me want to go to an Orthodox church!

    "God has been making himself real in His word." . . . this is something that I feel like I have gotten out of the habit of understanding or feeling recently (recently being . . . the past week or so).

    "but I still thought (think?) that I could find him on my own" *sigh* I've tried so many times . . . it doesn't work that way. He find us.

    Thanks for giving me . . . us a kind of . . . panoramic update on your life :) I am praying for you, Micah.

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  2. Reading through the Bible like that, though I'm sure I wasn't as successful as you've been, it was one of the greatest things I've ever done to know God more. He rewards that kind of seeking by revealing so much of Himself and His plan, and, it's so wonderful.

    "If you were curious, that's what all that crap about heart and mind was about." The dot connecting on that one was pretty easy. Also, I approve of the beard comparison.

    "I am sharing this with you so that you can understand me and where I am and not worry that I am somewhere else." I think this is boundlessly considerate of you. But in the interest of encouragement, I have always been confident that you will be all right. Through any confusion or heartache. I'm sorry if it sounds trite, but I am assured that God is not going to let you get away. [And I'm not even a Calvinist.] I'm praying.

    Even though this post is a little sad, it makes me hopeful, glad. So thank you for writing it, even if it was more for us than for you.

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  3. You're making me happy now. :)

    I feel like I've surfaced, yesterday and today. (Your soulfest video showed me that I hadn't been seeing you in the entirely right light: it assured me that you were okay. [I worry more than Hayley])

    I don't think I did wrong to be burdened for you, and I still care about you, but I'm glad for a little less-dramatic life.

    :smile:

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  4. ^what those people said.
    Nicean Creed for the win.
    I understand about head and heart. Uniting them makes me feel whole - but, uniting them is the life-long task.

    Hayley said it best: "Even though this post is a little sad, it makes me hopeful, glad. So thank you for writing it, even if it was more for us than for you."

    :)

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  5. Ditto everyone.

    "If you want, you can pray for me. But I don't want you to worry for me."
    Ah, good. Thanks for the update. And I'm praying for you (how you directed). :)

    Jeremiah 29:11-14

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  6. I feel like an outsider... for commenting now after so many months and for not keeping up with A Year of Questions.... but I wanted to say:
    1. thank you for keeping me updated and included.
    2. i am praying.

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