Friday, March 12, 2010

Apathy is easier than caring, it's easier than anger.

I feel so... angry.

I don't know why, I was happy an hour ago. I don't know why I feel so angry. I hate it, I hate this anger, I know it's not angry at anything worth being angry about. I don't even know if there are thing worth being angry about. But if there are, it isn't this.

I guess maybe I'm angry about my thematic. I thought I was okay, I thought I could handle it. I understood why the decision was made and - even if I disagreed with it - I knew that I wasn't the one making the call and the people making the call - even though they had a different values set - were doing so fairly and gave me every opportunity. I don't know if I'm really angry about my thematic, but that could be it. Hearing the breaks made the decision a reality that it wasn't before... a reality that couldn't be so real no matter how much I tried to prepare for it.

I think maybe I'm angry that becca didn't break. But that doesn't make any sense.

I thought I was past these competitive feelings. I thought I was, an hour ago, I was. But now I'm angry, and I don't know why, and the only explanation I can come up with - however unlikely - is feelings of competition. I don't want to be so angry. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be angry. Why am I so angry?


  1. Resolution:
    But I listen to Cure for Pain, and Baptize My Mind, and Resurrect me. And I believe in love again. And the angry feelings fade, and don't leave any scars because they can't, they're not so real as love.

  2. Apathy is so much easier.

    And while it eats away my anger, it also eats away all capacity to care.

    I don't know. Thank you. For writing something God could use in my heart this moment.

  3. I'm not angry, I, I, want to express because I think someone will listen... and yet I'm afraid to think about it because I'll become sad again. I know what you mean about being past competitive feelings. Oh dear.

    I don't know what to say; I guess I'm resignedly, weakly, asking for help, for perspective, for ... God. :-|

  4. I'm angry too. When I don't break, or win, or whatever. The only thing that sets me straight is knowing that I can't change the past. I can't change the judges. I have to accept this is God's will. [which, at times, makes me more angry]

    So, why not lapse into "I don't care, - I'm fine, - nevermind, - it's okay, - pshaw, don't worry about it"
    When everyone knows that it's fake. When everyone knows that I do care. Even if I try to convince myself. So, what's the point of convincing myself?
    There is no point.

    All there seems left to do, is be angry until it passes. Yet ... knowing that if I was given glory, I wouldn't feel filled. I wouldn't learn. Oh, why does pain have to feel so real? :sigh:

  5. There is nothing wrong with caring or having competitive feelings....they are normal. Though you shouldn't be overly competitive, you should still care about what you are doing...........some people don't care enough.

  6. Just remember that God has everything under control.....don't worry.