Friday, November 20, 2009

I wish it bothered me,

I wish I could summon the outrage needed to change myself, but, honestly, I just don't care as much about it as other people do. Other people care about the way I talk, I know they do, they get on my case when I say things I shouldn't. But I just fix it for them, not because I know I ought to. I adjust the way I speak based upon those who hear me, never really giving thought to the fact that God hears everything I say and everything I think.

I hear everything I say and think too, but I just don't care enough to make it acceptable and holy. I should be disgusted with the way I talk, but I'm not, I'm just disgusted with the fact that I'm not disgusted with the way I talk.

Honestly, I don't even know why I say half the things I do. I'm not angry, not usually, when I'm angry I use different words, I hiss them under my breath, spit them out and you can tell - if you could hear them like I do - that I'm mad when I say them. No, most of the time I just toss around petty euphemisms for the words that are really going through my head, and I don't even have a reason for using them. Language, bad language, has become so devalued.

I don't really mind the way I talk, but I know you do. I know, that's backwards, and it's wrong.


  1. "I'm just disgusted with the fact that I'm not disgusted with the way I talk." It seems that being disgusted with not being disgusted is the first step to being disgusted. (Like desiring to desire is the first step to desiring).

    Hum . . . I'm kind of confused, because my disliking for bad language is so vague and undefined, and unsure. It's more like I don't like swearing because it sounds vulgar, not because it really IS wrong, I don't know. I hope you work thinks out with your own mind. I hope you find some clarity in what you really think. I love you, Micah.

  2. hm. Same problem here (wishing something i did bothered me) but in a different area--time management.

    I agree with michael--somewhere you are disgusted because you are not disgusted with it. Somewhere I hate how lazy i am because I hate that I don't hate how lazy i am.

    Somewhere we have to pull together motivation and do something. That's hard.