Thursday, August 20, 2009

I finished the Lord of the Rings trilogy... (ignore that title)

Yesterday was a day of guilty pleasure. Inexplicable happiness captivated my every moment, I found joy wherever I went, for no apparent reason. To places of no normal joy I went, but found myself glad of being there. I saw friends that I see often, good friends, not the best (I hesitate not to admit outside of their hearing.)

I feel dishonest, like I drew a happiness of community from those who are not of my community.
But they were, really, they were every bit as human as I. Maybe my happiness came simply from being with others, maybe all other times that I've been with those friends I've simply been alone in the crowd. Maybe I entered into their world for the first time yesterday.

I feel guilty for being happy. What right have I, being the broken being that I am, to be happy? How could I be content, how could I not want anything more than what I had then? But I did, and I was happy, and would feel happy still if it was not for this guilt.

Why guilty for happiness? Was it wrong? Is it simply my unknowing about the reason for that happiness that makes me wish I had not been happy? Maybe I'm just emo. I can't understand not being happy sometimes, but I can understand not being happy sometimes. But now I ask if I believe what I said, do I think that I was wrong to be happy?

Why guilty for happiness? Was it wrong? Or was it simply different, am I unused to this happiness of community coming from a community outside of my closest friends? Have I made an awkward entrance into an Inner Ring, and the happiness comes from my entrance? Or have I simply found that I have friends in places I didn't expect?

Yesterday was a day of guilty pleasure.

1 comment:

  1. Ah, you know my problem.

    What I've decided is that, I can't limit who is part of my "community." I think it is right to take joy in human interaction, any human interaction, regardless of how close we are to someone. [Closeness is largely just perception, and therefore just a little overrated, I think.]

    Guilt, I haven't figured that out yet.