Sunday, May 31, 2009


I have reached the conclusion that the members of my church, especially the ones that teach adult classes, have an unhealthy addiction. It devours their time, damages their relationships, and often reduces them to seeing "beasts" in the most innocent of happenings.

I'm speaking, of course, about end-times theology.

You see, I think that my church has it all wrong. They have classes and classes about it, they invite guest speakers, they have a "conspiracy theorist discussion group" (okay, I made that up). And so, a few choice words for my church.

(BTW, if somebody who is not from my church asks me if it's their church that I'm dissing... No, just... screw you)

Okay, My Church, here's your problem.

First, all this talk never leads to anything. I mean, it's great to talk about how such and such a country will be the only one that isn't destroyed when the tribulation comes. Cool, good to know, now why don't you freakin' move there?

Second, you never give any practical advice. I know that you all take it for granted that the rapture happens first (me, I was pretty sure that there was some controversy there) but... how about you make a sort of Pescal's Wager. As in... pretend that the rapture doesn't happen until later, and maybe give a few Sunday-School classes about how to build bomb shelters, stockpile canned goods, and filter water using nothing but a tube-sock. That's the kind of stuff we want to know... it doesn't really do us any good to know exactly how many people are going to get killed when the bowls of wrath start pouring, we just want to know how to make sure it isn't us.

Thirdly, will you just stop throwing the Catholic Church under the bus? I know you're baptists, but please try to be nice. I know you think the Pope is the antichrist (you've thought that about the last 6 popes) but can you be a little more diplomatic about it? Or... when you start talking about one-world religions, try not to use "radical islam" and "roman catholic" in the same sentence. That's all I'm asking, show a little love for the Latin speakers.

Fourth, if you're so sure about who the antichrist is, why don't you try to kill him? Sure, if you had done that we never would have had Regan, Kissenger, Clinton, or the last six popes, but c'mon, all you do is talk.

Finally... how many of you expect that all this talk will do anybody any good at all? If you're convinced that the end-times are that close, why are you telling the rest of the church about it when you should be out on the street wearing a sandwhich board that says "REPENT, THE END IS NEAR!". If you're so convinced that you're going to be whisked away the moment the end-times start to happen, why are you bragging about it when you should be trying to make sure that as many people as possible are going to be whisked away with you.

Chuch, stop talking about what will happen. The command wasn't "say in the church and talk about the end of the world." it was "go into the world and preach the gospel". And, of course, I can't say that you don't do that, but you spend an aweful lot of time talking about stuff that - to me - seems very unimportant in the light of unsaved souls.

1 comment:

  1. I think I would like your church. :P

    And this made me laugh, audibly. I could hear you saying most of this in my head, and it amused me to no end. :D