lever(ed)

Isn't it funny how leverage works? I'm a geek, bear with me, I'm using a physics analogy. But, leverage, applying a small force over a long distance to accomplish what would have taken a large amount of energy over a short distance. Sure, the energy expended is the same, but it feels easier.

That's kind of how being in the NCFCA has been for me. I loved the senior speeches, they each spoke to me in a unique and touching way. Some more than others, but all spoke to me. Kristen said that she thought she could do anything when she started. So did I. Jonathan said how much this league has done for him.... he didn't have a lever, it was an all at once expenditure of energy, but I think he got it all. He made me notice how much I've gotten from this league.

But their was one speech that spoke to me more. Andrew, I was laughing, but I was used to that. Andrew, when I wasn't laughing, I was close to crying, I wasn't used to that. That was amazing, and it showed me how much this league has actually done for me, and it showed me that there is something worth caring about after all.

In a way, my time here has been like a lever, a slow steady application of small pressure. But in a way, my time here has been like arm-wrestling, you have to push even harder at the very end to win. The senior speeches, Andrew's speech, was like that last push. I was fighting the leadership of the league, the people in the leauge, my mom over the league, everybody's expectations, I was fighting it all just because I wanted to fight.

Everything I did was selfish. It was about me. All me. I wanted to show them that a kid with a chair coud beat their silly system. I wanted to show them that I could win at their game, The Lord of The Flies was an excise in fighting on enemy ground, serious speeches. I wanted to show them that I didn't have to debate their resolution if I didn't want to, so domestic idealism started existing. I wanted to show them that I was all super-smart and could understand metaphysics, and even when I actually did understand them a little, enough to know that I was wrong, I wanted to mock them by showing how little they understood about philosophy.

That case. The existance one. People think that it says they don't exist. They're wrong. The case didn't say that, I did. I said that they didn't matter. That they weren't important enough to really believe in.

I was fighting. For the sake of fighting. And I always won the fight because the opposition didn't know their was a battle going on. They thought I was silly, crazy, smart, stupid, acting up, being a wise-guy, that I just didn't care. I cared so much, I wanted to win, I wanted to beat them. It was so selfish.

This year did so much for me. I honestly don't think I had any friends in the league until this year. I just didn't look for friends, there were people who were ready to extend friendship towards me, but I rejected it. I was subtle about it, I think, I alienated only a few, but I rejected it. Andrew and I used to joke that we had known each other for years, done two duos together, but were still just aquantainces.

I think that was the truth. I don't think I was Andrew's friend. I hope I am now.

I hope that I didn't waste five years in this league. All I can do is hope. Because I don't know. I might have spent so much time rebelling that I never got anywhere. I spent so much time fighting for an imaginary cause that I'm not sure that I have time to fight now that I know their is a cause to fight for.

Thank you, seniors, for showing me that there is something worth fighting for. Thank you for showing me what to care about. Thank you for pointing out that it isn't me. Thank you for pointing out how small I am. Thank you.