A kind of explanation

My head is so infuriatingly older than my heart.

And so, as I feel this, as - for the first time - I feel this

My mind is swelling with accusations against my heart

Point, by point, by point, it shows my feelings foolish

It shows my emotions and affections to be childishness

And my heart, my young heart, answers like a child

Or doesn't answer - as a child can't - at all

Only with silent, teary eyes and a trembling lip

And my mind sneers at my heart

Jeers and asks, "did you think yourself wise?"

But, with the voice of a child, my heart turns to me

Asking, "did you think the mind only could be wise?"

And I am struck speechless.

Surely, I did. Was I a fool to do so?

I trusted so blindly in my intellect.

I put my faith so completely in my mind.

I ignored all of the God questions which were warning signs

And this? This - something my mind calls child's play

This can bring my faith in reason into question?

But it has.

Even now, my mind says, "wait for the long term, that is what we advised you on."

And until then? Am I to live with no surety until I know I am too late?

I shall go mad either way: wondering what would have been

If I leave the bell, I'll never know what would have happened if I struck it.

If I strike the bell, I'll never know if I could have stayed sane not knowing.

Nobody can know what would have been, so all are mad.

I am mad now, with short term regret.

My heart boils in anger at being ignored.
My mind - cool, emotionless - scorns that anger.

And I?

I am lost.