But I don't want to be the child "content to make mud-pies" when "a trip to the seaside" is offered. I want to be happy, but it's painfully evident how weak my desires are. How easily pleased I am... and so even when I make myself happy, if I stop to think about it for even a second, it feels shallow. I want to stop thinking, or I want real happiness. There was a House episode about a really smart guy that took brain depressants to be happy. If it wasn't obvious that drugs don't ultimately work, I'd be interested. Stopping thinking isn't the answer, I know that.
I just want to know that God loves me.
I know that people love me. I know my parents love me, and my siblings and my friends... and I love all of those people and I try to love everyone. And, for a long time, that's been enough. I've poured myself into these relationships, finding real comfort there. They aren't mud-pies... but they aren't infinite joy either. This seems a recurring theme for me: these relationships are temporal. They're not going to last. I refuse to delude myself into thinking they can. And so, now, I wonder how much those relationships matter. I know they're right, but the fact that other people love me is insignificant to the fact that I don't know if God loves me. Because I want happiness (or joy, the difference isn't important in my mind), and loving and being loved by other people makes me happy... and I don't think it's the same "mud-pie" happiness that listening to stupid music and sending cheerful texts brings. At the same time, it isn't infinite joy. I want infinite joy. And I know that God's love has something to do with it. And I don't know if God loves me.
I'm going to ask a question. If you comment, please answer this. I want to hear from real people that I know and respect - people that I know have a thinking belief. I want to hear true, justified belief: Why do you think God loves you?
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ReplyDelete"In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins." 1 John 4:10
ReplyDeleteI've often thought, felt, and wondered about this... and I always come back to the fact that God saved me and there was no earthly reason for Him to. I didn't deserve it. I didn't even want it. That He should die for me and make me His is the purest, most mind-blowing declaration of love anyone could ever give me... and I know it to be unchangeable because for one, God's love wasn't dependent on my goodness in the first place but on His sovereign, amazing will. [What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. - Romans 8:31-34]
Secondly I know His love will never fail because He IS the purest, highest form of love- because God IS love (what all other loves attempt to mirror!) and love "hopes all things, endures all things. Love NEVER fails."
"Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away." - Songs Of Solomon 8:7
So whenever I find myself wondering, "Do you love me... WHY do you love me?!?" I remember that a) His love isn't dependent on me, b) He has manifested His love by dieing for me and c) He has promised to keep me in His love till the end- and to grow my knowledge and joy in that love as well.
This was Paul's prayer for the Ephesian Christians- I think we can make it ours as well- :)
For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, ... that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that SURPASSES KNOWLEDGE, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. - Ephesians 3: 14-19
[P.S. Oops. Sorry this is long- kinda annoying you can't go back and edit posts later. :P]
I was thinking of you, it seemed every spare moment on the ride down, wondering what sort of state of mind you were in. I like these sort of blog posts, a quick peek into where your brain is. So, thanks?
ReplyDeleteI think I understand an aspect of this. I hate not being able to rest in feelings of happiness or peace without feeling that they're artificial or hypocritical. It tortures me, not even being able to take comfort in comfort without seeing it for what it really is, an other extension of my guilty existence.
Because sometimes I get so swallowed up in how undeserving I am, that I forget to trust my majestic God to forgive me, to love me, to give me peace. As far as I can tell, joy comes from surrender: of guilt, of pride, of confusion. Joy defies intellect, and while the atonement is the perfect example of His love, the gravity of the atonement cannot be realized through intellect alone.
That is to say, I don't /think/ about why God loves me. I mean, I do, it's simple, He's God, He's supposed to love everyone, and the more I /think/ about it, the more sharp I am to spot /how/ He loves me. But I /know/ He loves me because He shows me every day, when He replaces my anxiety with peace, when He gives me an opportunity to do something hard, when He blesses me with air conditioning and Mexican food and Rich Mullins songs. Am I too simple?
If I have learned nothing else from my relationship with God these past few months, I have learned that He is faithful, boundlessly faithful, He will chase us and mold our hearts until we understand.
[I'm pretending to be busy typing as these miscellaneous NCFCA guys walk by -- I'm so antisocial.]
Dear Micah, I feel like what Psyche said to Orual about seeing the palace: "You can't see it? ... I will beg and implore him to make you able." And at the same time, I'm thinking why, why do I think that God loves me? But I want to try to answer.
ReplyDeletePart of it is because of the way I can see him working in my life. I see (later) how he redeems my not understanding, or not breaking, or feeling rushed for time. And it makes me want to trust him more, because he always works things for good, to make me more ... righteous(?).
Part of it is because of how I have experienced God's presence. When I seek him, I'm reminded of his promises and take courage and find peace.
I think God loves me because I believe that Jesus' death and resurrection gives me - and will give me - understanding and meaning and life in the Spirit.
Maybe it's circular? but I think I believe God loves me because he says he does, and because I have seen that God is always faithful to his word.
I know God loves me. Sometimes I just choose not to believe it. But, I know he loves me because he gives me second chances. Again and again and again. Because he cares about the small things in my life and doesn't care that I fail over and over again. Because he understands that I have irreparable holes in myself and because has given me hope that I will be complete in heaven.
ReplyDeleteI wish I didn't have to use words to explain it. All of these words don't explain what I mean. What I mean is: I've experienced him and know that loving me is his nature whether I like it or not. Now, I have chosen to enjoy that love instead of fighting it. I only have to look up and love is all around me.
But then i start asking... how much does God love me? I need to get better acquainted with the significance of the cross.