just random thoughts (all sort of related)

I wonder if I believe in divine intervention. I mean, I can say that I do... but I think I live like I do. In today's History lesson (WWII... woot? eh. whatevs) my teacher mentioned how the weather favored the allied forces and how God controlled the weather and God was on the allies side. And I've heard that before, Dunkirk, Washington, all these battles or - not even battles - just times in history when the weather was good or bad or whatever and somebody said "God did it. Praise God, he's an American." ...They don't say that, I was just making it up. But every time they bring it up I'm like, "eh... yeah, okay, maybe but... eeeeeeh, no." Of course I believe that God controls the weather. But whenever someone points out convenient weather my natural inclination is to say that it is purely coincidental. I'm sure there were plenty of times when the weather was bad for the Allies and good for the Axis forces. Does that mean that God is fickle, that He can't decide what side He's on? Of course not! God sends rain on the righteous and unrighteous (in this case, literally).

I think I'm a bit of a deist. Or... I take an extremely clockmaker approach to God's involvement in the world. As far as I can see, a sovereign God created this universe and stuff has been happening ever since in what appears to be a random fashion. I don't think that God sends rain so that America will win a war. But I do. It's something so much bigger and so much less (but by that I mean more) intentional than the weather. To point to the weather as an act of God is like pointing to a single falling domino in a long and complicated chain as an act of gravity. All history is His engineering, every action is His. To call it coincidental - as I do - is to say that it is no different from any other domino in the chain.

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I've wondered how exactly true love (romantic) is supposed to work exactly. People talk of finding "the one" and then there are statistics about how 80% of people find their spouses at college. How exactly does that work? I mean, there are 6 billion people in the world, and you're telling me that by pure coincidence (but we know what that means) the one person in the world that's meant to be your spouse just happened to go to the same college as you.

....Get real. If there's really only one person for you, the odds are they live in India.

But, of course, if coincide is what we know it to be, maybe it is possible that two people can be meant for each other alone and can meet in the same lifetime.

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I don't know how to deal with long distance relationships. You guys, you, the ones who read my blog live (mostly) very (comparatively) far away. And most of you I got to see at debate and speech tournaments, and I always had that to sustain our friendship. But I don't have that anymore. Well, really, I do... a far more distant hope that you and I will go to the same tournament as alumni. What I'm saying is, the prospects for face to face contact dwindles as time passes. I'll go to college and miss all the tournaments. I'm already not going to nationals. Don't you get it? It's over! (I'm angry at myself for not accepting this)

How I wish I could stay friends easily. But it's not easy. Or if it is easy, it's the wrong kind of easiness. It's the lazy kind of easy. I want to be friends with you! I want constancy! But... but it looks like I can't have that. My parents hardly talk to their childhood friends, if they talk at all. The temptation is horrible, wrenching, to let you slip away from me. To sit idly by and watch you grow further and further away and do nothing. And to invest in relationships with people who (geographically) are close to me. But I'm so scared, so scared that nothing will be constant. That investing in those close to me will only bring on the same pain of separation when I go to college and that friends I make in college will only bring the same pain when I graduate and that friends I make in society will only bring the same pain when they or I move and that the pain will never end because people keep moving and moving and coming and leaving and - eventually - dying and leaving the picture permanently. I am standing on life's stage, fretful of all the entrances and excites that happen, when all I long for is to be with someone - for God's sake, anyone! - that I love who will be with me forever.

And my distant God is no comfort, because I believe in a power - a sentience - I can't see as loving.

I am so scared.

I feel stupid, asking you - should I let you go? It's a foolish question. What answer do I expect? What answer could I trust? What answer do I want. Don't answer the question, any answer will break my heart. It seems we're all fated for heartbreak until we are real and unmovable.