[repentance]

I am humbled - again - by need,
without even the arrogance of entitlement,
without even "just this once,"
my past speak louder than my lies.
Is there nothing harder than to bow?
to crawl with head bowed and eyes averted,
to crawl ashamed and still proud,
the pride more for being brought low.
Is there nothing more feared than an answer?
every charlatan excuse exposed,
every feeble desire examined,
the motives and movements of the heart laid bare.

So hard, so hard, is the asking.
never done without wishing another way,
never done graciously,
forgiveness is not a cheap freedom.
The price of freedom is my pried,
the state of needing to pay is a shame,
the state of needing to beg is a shame,
I am a beggar, dependent, needy.
But were there any more free then beggars?
what can be lost if I have only our pride?
what good has pride ever done?
what good am I afraid of loosing?
I am naught.

~~~~

"It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far to easily pleased." ~Lewis