We were driving back from Indiana, I was with someone else's family, they had given me a ride to and from the robotics tournament. We stopped at their grandparents on the way back, overnight, Sunday morning their grandfather read this passage at the breakfast table.
I'm reading my bible all the way through this summer. I had heard bits of this passage, maybe the whole thing before, but never paid attention. I try, God, I try to "do nothing from selfishness," I try to "regard others as more important." I did it because I knew it was right, I knew the bible said it - maybe not here, but I knew it said it somewhere - I knew that that is what I was supposed to do. And I did it (or tried), not just because I was told it was right, but because I had reached the conclusion that it was right without being told. It seems so long ago, I wrote about a progression of though and emotion that the NCFCA had put me through... I reached the conclusion that people are important and meant to be loved and that I can find meaning in loving them. And I do, so I do.
But... "encouragement in Christ," and "fellowship of the Spirit." I don't know that I've felt that. Have I been doing right (or trying to do right) for so long without the prerequisite? Oh, God, thank you for people. I try, I try not to make people my god, my idol. I want to love them rightly, but I feel, sometimes, that I have replaced God with people. Replaced makes it sound like I loved God and then decided to love people instead. Foolishness, loving people comes from loving God, replacement would be pointless. But while others found God, I found people, and loved them.
My story reads, "If there is any encouragement in Friends, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of Community, if any affection or compassion..." I have made people my source of meaning. Not a source, as it should be, but the source. I have loved poetry, but not the poet who is the author of meaning. And I have done this because I have found encouragement in friends, but not in Christ. I have felt fellowship of Community, but not the spirit. When I am alone, I don't feel the consolation of love, except the knowledge that I am loved by others. My heavenly father has never been as real or loving as my earthly one. Jesus has never been as real or loving to me as my friends. The Holy Spirit has never been as real or loving to me as community. When I take communion, I feel myself communing with the congregation around me, not with God.
Damning stuff, and not all of it true. Not all of it wrong, either, "this last temptation the greatest treason, to do the right thing for the wrong reason."
For some weird reason I read that and thought there should have been more to it. :P But you got to the point, and analyzed it perfectly. The thing is, can people have any sort of consolation of love with others or any fellowship of Community, or any affection or compassion without Christ being the center and bridge of that relationship? Or is it all feelings?
ReplyDeleteWe may love people because we see Christ shine through them - but unless we're embracing the gem itself we're just grasping for the light it reflects on the walls.
That was not Philippians 3.
ReplyDelete"this last temptation the greatest treason, to do the right thing for the wrong reason." Basically why I love that play.
Liz, I don't understand what you're saying. Are you suggesting that what I'm describing here is more or less real than I realize?
ReplyDelete