Monday, June 14, 2010

How am I?

I'm not sure.

Just a week ago, I didn't know if God loved me or not. That's not a good feeling. And I knew that I could get myself out of that artificially. Maybe I did, because I don't remember the feelings that made me want to write those things last week.

What did I do this week, what was the world like that I could forget such things?

I've been trying to avoid falling in love. If that makes any sense. I can't believe I've been blogging for more than a year and hardly ever mentioned romantic interests. Actually, I can, I believe that I'm too young to fall in love (hence, I'm trying to avoid it) It feels like the kind of topic that I shouldn't (couldn't?) talk to you guys about. I'm not sure if I will, so I'll just mention that I've been avoiding falling in love this week and leave it at that. (I'll think about whether or not I want to say more some other time)

I've been doing school. Tons of it. Because I want to be done with high-school in three days.

I went to church, and had communion. It was my old church, and the religious experience was blunted because I was constantly trying to avoid criticizing what went on. It was still nice to have communion, even though I don't feel like I'm part of a community with that church any more (or ever really was). Communion gave some assurance of God's love.

I wrote my first college paper, for my trip to England. All about Shakespeare and C.S. Lewis and footnotes (I love footnotes).

I got to video chat my dearest friends in the world. Becca, you asked if I felt like a sponge... no. I felt the opposite, like I was pouring something out, not taking something in. I don't know why, but that's what made me look at the camera and not at the screen.

Did I stop thinking this week? I don't know, I've certainly been busy enough - I didn't even think of a question for my Monday video. I don't remember thinking very much at all. But, somehow, I don't think so. I know what activity feels like, and this week felt like "the normal" - I lived and connected with people close and far away, I had communion and participated in community.


1 comment:

  1. I feel like I understand that feeling of pouring something out. I wonder if I was the sponge then, and if that's why I asked.