Thursday, May 27, 2010

just random thoughts (all sort of related)

I wonder if I believe in divine intervention. I mean, I can say that I do... but I think I live like I do. In today's History lesson (WWII... woot? eh. whatevs) my teacher mentioned how the weather favored the allied forces and how God controlled the weather and God was on the allies side. And I've heard that before, Dunkirk, Washington, all these battles or - not even battles - just times in history when the weather was good or bad or whatever and somebody said "God did it. Praise God, he's an American." ...They don't say that, I was just making it up. But every time they bring it up I'm like, "eh... yeah, okay, maybe but... eeeeeeh, no." Of course I believe that God controls the weather. But whenever someone points out convenient weather my natural inclination is to say that it is purely coincidental. I'm sure there were plenty of times when the weather was bad for the Allies and good for the Axis forces. Does that mean that God is fickle, that He can't decide what side He's on? Of course not! God sends rain on the righteous and unrighteous (in this case, literally).

I think I'm a bit of a deist. Or... I take an extremely clockmaker approach to God's involvement in the world. As far as I can see, a sovereign God created this universe and stuff has been happening ever since in what appears to be a random fashion. I don't think that God sends rain so that America will win a war. But I do. It's something so much bigger and so much less (but by that I mean more) intentional than the weather. To point to the weather as an act of God is like pointing to a single falling domino in a long and complicated chain as an act of gravity. All history is His engineering, every action is His. To call it coincidental - as I do - is to say that it is no different from any other domino in the chain.


I've wondered how exactly true love (romantic) is supposed to work exactly. People talk of finding "the one" and then there are statistics about how 80% of people find their spouses at college. How exactly does that work? I mean, there are 6 billion people in the world, and you're telling me that by pure coincidence (but we know what that means) the one person in the world that's meant to be your spouse just happened to go to the same college as you.

....Get real. If there's really only one person for you, the odds are they live in India.

But, of course, if coincide is what we know it to be, maybe it is possible that two people can be meant for each other alone and can meet in the same lifetime.


I don't know how to deal with long distance relationships. You guys, you, the ones who read my blog live (mostly) very (comparatively) far away. And most of you I got to see at debate and speech tournaments, and I always had that to sustain our friendship. But I don't have that anymore. Well, really, I do... a far more distant hope that you and I will go to the same tournament as alumni. What I'm saying is, the prospects for face to face contact dwindles as time passes. I'll go to college and miss all the tournaments. I'm already not going to nationals. Don't you get it? It's over! (I'm angry at myself for not accepting this)

How I wish I could stay friends easily. But it's not easy. Or if it is easy, it's the wrong kind of easiness. It's the lazy kind of easy. I want to be friends with you! I want constancy! But... but it looks like I can't have that. My parents hardly talk to their childhood friends, if they talk at all. The temptation is horrible, wrenching, to let you slip away from me. To sit idly by and watch you grow further and further away and do nothing. And to invest in relationships with people who (geographically) are close to me. But I'm so scared, so scared that nothing will be constant. That investing in those close to me will only bring on the same pain of separation when I go to college and that friends I make in college will only bring the same pain when I graduate and that friends I make in society will only bring the same pain when they or I move and that the pain will never end because people keep moving and moving and coming and leaving and - eventually - dying and leaving the picture permanently. I am standing on life's stage, fretful of all the entrances and excites that happen, when all I long for is to be with someone - for God's sake, anyone! - that I love who will be with me forever.

And my distant God is no comfort, because I believe in a power - a sentience - I can't see as loving.
I am so scared.
I feel stupid, asking you - should I let you go? It's a foolish question. What answer do I expect? What answer could I trust? What answer do I want. Don't answer the question, any answer will break my heart. It seems we're all fated for heartbreak until we are real and unmovable.


  1. Oh goodness!
    There are a lot of things I want to say.

    I think I agree with you about, "To point to the weather as an act of God is like pointing to a single falling domino in a long and complicated chain as an act of gravity." That... God has willed everything that happens, but that doesn't necessarily means he favors certain sides of a conflict.

    What I don't understand about romantic love is what makes any person better than another. I suppose, some people might align better than others with what you believe, or how you live... but no one's perfect, and (I think?) two people can probably find a way to live with and love each other. But it must be more complicated.

    And the last section... I've been thinking about a lot too. Memories from last year's Nationals keep coming to me, and I can't help but think about your conspicuous absence this year. And, it's so hard to keep up real friendships with people not geographically close to me!

    Micah... I don't completely know, but. . . it seems, the answer is always to let go. Not in the way that you mean, about trying to maintain friendships versus losing contact... but to entrust it to God. Because I see God holding everything I am and love and wish I could keep. But, even wanting to surrender, I still don't know what it looks like.

    I pray earnestly that God would give you assurance of himself. I ... don't know what else I can do.

  2. I read this post backwards. The last part first, and on up.

    I think . . . that I am a fickle believer in Gods intervention in the world. Perhaps it is so much bigger than thinking about him influencing one specific event. However . . . I think I switch gears when I consider my own life . . . I seem to clearly see sometimes the hand of God making plans for me, showing me things. Perhaps it's easier to see things like that personally, perhaps I'm just inconsistent.

    It seems wildly unlikely that people have "one person" for them, and they just "happen" to find them, I think it works more randomly than that. About what Rebecca said about no person being better than another: . . . then again, perhaps God does choose people for one another, so . . . for them that person is more important, and ought to be. And they are "better" because they belong.

    . . .I don't want to lose you, Micah. But I'm afraid I will. I think Rebecca's right about . . . entrusting God with it. However . . . I think that trusting God . . . also means praying about what he wants you to do. Because doing nothing is an action.

    "when all I long for is to be with someone - for God's sake, anyone! - that I love who will be with me forever." . . . Goodness, do I know how you feel!

  3. "Don't you get it? It's over!"

    Why does it have to be over . . . ?

  4. "Why does it have to be over . . . ?"

    Because everything ends. I don't know, if I was just talking about ncfca or not. If I was, of course its over. How many alumni stick around so much? When else do I see you guys?

  5. Out of all the things our community and friendships are based on, NCFCA is the least. Just because NCFCA ends, this has to end, too?

  6. I understand that. But... I don't know how to be friends with people i never see.

  7. Then . . . we make a place and time to see each other.

  8. "And my distant God is no comfort, because I believe in a power - a sentience - I can't see as loving."

    :nods: I am like that so much of the time... but God brought me through graduation and the end of tour. He is faithful. I don't think you have to give up on the people you love.

    I know this past year has distanced me from a few people who I love. At the same time, I am closer to some people that I never see now than I was when I got to see them frequently.

    I do know that this spring I had to surrender my friendships to God... I can't hold onto people as my own. However, God doesn't want me to discard all of my friendships as life changes.

    God will be there and help you figure it all out. I am praying.