Thursday, April 1, 2010


There are twenty nine people following me on Buzz. There are ten people following this blog. There are eight people subscribed to my Youtube channel. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

It's not that I think it's a bad thing to follow Buzz or blogs or Youtube... it's just that I'm not sure if I like the feeling it creates. I feel pressured, as if I have an audience (which, to some degree, I do) that is expecting output. And since I mostly know the people in the audience, and like them, I want to give them what they want. I feel like I'm letting people down if I don't post often. I don't know if I like that. I also don't like the... power-rush it gives me. I see that I have a few people "following" me, and I want more. I link things, I want people to find me because I like the powerful feeling that comes from having "followers". I don't like that about myself, I'm not sure if I don't like it about people following my blog or Buzz.

I feel more cautious, when I know people are watching... and while that's sometimes a good thing, it's the worst thing that can happen if it causes me to be dishonest. I try to make it harder for people to follow my blog, I have private share settings on Buzz, I don't talk about serious stuff on Youtube (well, my personal channel). In some ways, my blog is the place I am most honest... it is the place where a completely different side of me gets its only chance to show itself. And I love that. But I cringe every time I see the blogger dashboard telling me that ten people are following my blog. Ten? Really? I get frightened every time the number increases, I want to know who it is and doubly make sure who the others are because I'm afraid that it will be someone that... that I've been lying to and don't want to get found out by.

The internet is a scary place. I hate it every time someone comments anonymously, or someone I've never heard of comments. I want to retreat and retract every honest and - incriminating - thing I've ever said. I want to be honest, but I don't want people to see me being honest.

How dishonest of me.

(the terrible part is that I'm only posting this because I felt pressured to do so because of my "audience")


  1. Hmm.

    See, I feel frustrated for lack of audience. My family and friends all read the earthly eyrie, but they don't dialogue or comment, and I wish they would. That's one reason I started the eyrie.

    But I can see how knowing people are watching/reading what you put here could make you feel pressured to perform. Or pressured to think twice about posting what you feel or think because you don't know who's reading it.

    "I want to be honest, but I don't want people to see me being honest."

    I get this. I like being open, but I don't like people seeing my vulnerability. I don't like them judging me.

    The thing is, I don't know you--and you don't know me--so I can read and comment and sorta know where you're coming from but I don't know the right thing to say. I don't know what's really going on. But I feel for you. and I'm praying for you.

    Perhaps: examine your heart in light of the Holy Spirit and take courage.

    Peace be with you.

  2. Wow, I could really identify with you Micah. A friend of mine quoted me from my blog in an email recently and I went a little crazy trying to find when I wrote it and in what context. I didn't want to ask my friend, "What was the post date for that?" When I realized that this friend, who is a new friend had been reading my blog, I felt exposed. I too do my best to be honest and at times vulnerable. It is a wonderful/awful mix. I want to be known and read but I don't always want people to say something. And so it goes with this "writing on the cyberspace walls." We will be read and I like reading your blog.