Friday, September 11, 2009

I don't even know.

(I have several thoughts, I have scraps of poetry, I have quotes, I have a theme, but I don't know if I should make them one post or several.)

Oh helpless me, I'm singing at stars
so hopelessly distant, so distant and far
Twinkle, twinkle, they shine where they hang
and I hope, though they're far, they heard what I sang
No promise of a listening ear, yet I sing at the sky
captivated by the points of light in the night.

I say that I want senior year to be over already, that I want to be in college already. But am I really tired of the present, or do I simply want to pass by all of the tough decisions that are beginning to pop up? I attribute my desire to boredom, but, in truth, I think it's really fear.

The years go by fast enough. It's the days that take forever. And seconds, seconds go by quickly unless you stop to count them.

Don't talk to me now, 'cause I'm living in the past.
Just my presence in the present, but not presence of mind.
My thoughts are long ago, reliving regret and renewal
Stuck on things I loved and lost
Stopped by what I should have done.
The first mistake I made left a portion of me in the past.

I feel exhausted because I lack the exhilaration of accomplishment. Everything I succeed at, everything I accomplish is expected. I meet expectations, but what thrill is in that? I've done only what I was supposed to do, or worse, I do not do what was expected of me. "Can I break the spell of the typical?"

I'm bound by argument
Shouldn't have said what I said then
I know I'm wrong but won't give in
I'd rather lose than let you win

"Micah, your picture is depressing and so are your [status] messages."
"Thanks for being sensitive, Brendan."

I don't know if I love or hate the fact that my friends don't consider the possibility that I might actually be depressed. This has been a terrible week.

1 comment:

  1. "Everything I accomplish is expected. I've done only what I was supposed to do, or worse, I do not do what was expected of me." That feels like my life in two sentences. All I ever wanted was so exceed expectations, and instead I find myself slacking off. Meeting expectations gives me no motivation to try any harder. And I almost don't care, because it doesn't seem to matter much.

    This has been a duck-and-cover week. I can survive, and maybe next week will be better. Or maybe next month. Or maybe eventually it'll be better. This week seems less terrible when I tell myself I just have to wait it out, but waiting is an efficient way to sap my motivation.