doubts

Am I the ventriloquist,
speaking though you don't see me
or am I just the a figurehead
dancing on a puppets string?

Do the songs I sing ring true
and do those songs that truth expand
or am I but a scholars parrot
speaking Greek I don't understand?

Do my beliefs tell me the things
I know I know I'm standing by
or do they just tell me the things
the selfish me is bettered by?

Did I search with honesty
and was it for truth's sake I searched
Or have I found truth because I searched
and looked and lusted for self worth?

When will all of this confusion
fade away and in silence stay
quiet, more even than the voice
that I can't hear above this noise

When will the song that's inside
sing of surety, like the songs outside
When I write the ending to my own story
The happy ending's were all lies

The real me is not so sure
that I can pull myself together
or if this life will give me time
even if it lasts forever

The honest answer is "I'm nothing"
and that's hard to admit
and still believe that I'm loved
and that that love could be legit.