Monday, June 22, 2009

"Words fail me"

I tried. I tried to do it, to write down my memories from Nationals. I knew from the start that it wouldn't work. I quit. I stopped. I read everybody's, they were a joy to read, but they didn't change the problem with my writing. The problem is that words weren't enough. I felt guilty that Andrew wrote 182 memories, but I tried to go back and write more, I just couldn't.

Because words weren't enough for me. Words failed me. I always think that it's stupid to say "I'm speechless" because in the movies, they always followed up by saying something. So, really, they weren't speechless. I always liked Marry Poppins, because she had a word to say when you didn't know what to say.


It's all emotion, none of it expression. None of it expressible. I can't say it, I can only feel it. It's a mix, joy and sadness. It's an ending and a beginning. It's something that I can't really describe, it's not happening in my head, it's happening in my heart. And memories, they're in my head, I can't put the heart into them, I can't connect my heart and my head right now. Not for memories, not for numbers. Not for 182. I loved reading everybody else's memories. I'm so glad that others have been able to overcome, at least more than me, the problem. I'm glad everybody else isn't speechless. I'm glad that they're not at a loss for words.

Sometimes, I have no trouble expressing myself. But sometimes, when my heart does something that my head can't wrap itself around, I just can't do it. I don't know if it's a thinker thing, but I'd rather just say that sometimes, "words fail me."


  1. "He lost himself in a maze of thoughts that were rendered vague by his lack of words to express them." -Lord of the Flies

    Like that, right?

  2. Indeed, there was something in Perelandra about it, when Ransom was trying to describe his trip:
    "I suppose tha it was all too vague for words?"
    "On the contrary, it is the words that are to vague to describe it."

  3. I totally agree with you. Like you I started to write down my memories from Nationals and couldn't really find anything to say...even though I felt there was a lot to say. For me my Nationals memories felt like just on big memory blur consisting of individual memories that I had a hard time making out. Sort of like an pointillistic painting...up close it looks like meaningless dots but from a distance you can make out a beautiful piece of art.