Tuesday, June 2, 2009


Nothing makes me happy
since I'm studying for the SAT
For that big test I have a note:
"Screw you."


Micah is trying to figure out how to live the rest of his life. It's a daunting task, and he'd rather be playing with Lego's right now. As it is, instead of procrastinating by playing Lego's, he's procrastinating by writing a blog post. Let's observe him as he writes.

Here's the dilemma. There's nothing I enjoy more than creating. It might be poetry, it might be a painting, or writing, or Lego's, or robots. Whatever it is I'm making, I like making it. I enjoy the process of creation. Once upon a time when I was a little boy, I dreamed of being a professional Lego builder. I wanted to be the guy who designed the sets. I practiced, I built all kines of Lego things, I even wrote a letter to the Lego company asking them what I should study in college so that I could become a Lego designer. I think I was eight. They actually wrote back. Later on in his life, I started building bigger things, I started branching out, I got interested in robotics. Then, somebody, I don't know who it was exactly, told me I should be an engineer. And that became the dream.

Would you believe me if I said that math was my favorite subject? I hated English, I hated studying literature, I just liked reading it. Science was always the best class, physical science, biology, chemistry, even physics (which were a beast to learn).

Except, now I don't know if I want that. Maybe it was because I had such a bad math teacher this year, maybe because I didn't get very good grades in physics, whatever the reason, I don't know if I want to do engineering any more. I keep kicking myself, that was the whole dream, I skipped out on fun things, plays, speeches, classes, camps, I worked harder at robotics than I've ever worked on anything before, and now... I don't even have test scores to show for it. I spent high-school preparing to go to college for engineering. Now, I don't even know if I want to apply.

Adolescence is a roller-coaster. I can't tell if this is angst because of SAT's, or if this is for real. The funny thing is, I have no doubts about being able to do something with my life. It's just the fear that I won't enjoy doing it that makes me too afraid to move. I'm afraid that I'll make a decision that will change my whole life, and that in the end, I'll have made the wrong one. And, with that last sentence, I just realized that this happens to everybody. Wow, I feel cliched now, please, excuse my whining. Everybody has this happen to them, I remember when my sister was going through this (she wanted to be a vet, not an engineer).

In times like this, it is not comforting to know that everybody else has gone through this. Illogically, my mind tells me that this is different, this is me, it's so much more important. A selfish attitude. I don't care. I want to make the right choice, I want to enjoy life, not put up with it. Honestly, why make your life miserable? So, I'm praying hard that I won't do so unintentionally. I'm also praying that SAT's go well on Saturday, because whatever it is I want to do with my life, I'm going to need good test scores to do it.

(Part 1)


  1. I'm now depressed for you. (which means you can't be, right? Heh, life doesn't work that way.)

    Somehow it seems that it would not be comforting either to know that I've never gone through this. Probably I will next year. :-/

    Making the right choice for big decisions seems impossible! (But it can't be impossible with Christ.)

  2. It depresses me that you're so good at everything. You pwn at math and the sciences, and yet you're one of the most talented writers I know - how is that even fair?! :P

    But seriously, you're gifted. There is a specific niche in this world for you. The awesome part is that even if you don't know what you want to do, there's a place specifically for you anyway. The awful part of that is how in the world are you supposed to find it? God's sovereignty for the win.

    "whatever it is I want to do with my life, I'm going to need good test scores to do it." This is an unfortunate truth. I hate the SAT. I'm thinking SAT + you + me + rocks = stoning Collegeboard HQ. (Jesus said, "Put down your sword," but he never mentioned rocks.)

  3. "I'm thinking SAT + you + me + rocks = stoning Collegeboard HQ. (Jesus said, "Put down your sword," but he never mentioned rocks.)"

    Wasn't there some part of the Bible where he said "Let you who is with a perfect math score cast the first stone."

    "I'm now depressed for you."

    Oh, please don't be.