Thursday, February 5, 2009

Grafted deep within my being
is a part that longs for meaning.
Desperate search for sense
but none this world presents.
Gritted teeth when the pain comes.
to despair my soul succumbs.
Even when they tell me
they'll explain everything
their words are empty as
their minds, one thing it has
not: answers to my queries
naught but empty theories.

My soul longs for truth
its one and only prayer.
Doubting now the proof
that it is even there.

"Ashes to ashes, we all fall down"
helplessly searching, all alone.
Even the thrill of the chase
does not exist in this place.

And my enmity for those
who seem to be real
presents myself, shows
the way I feel.
The anger at their success,
or falsehood, compares
to my own duress
when unanswered are my prayers.

Everyone around me walks
with a purpose I lack.
Is what they are real
or all just an act?
Can I be the only one
lacking the clue
answered by no one.
What is true?

Cursed like the Dutchman
to wander the earth
endlessly seeking
never to berth.
Always roaming as I seek to spy
difference between the truth and the lie.
All of myself I would gladly give
to find the answer, to truly live.

A chasm lies before me, the final vault
and fear holds me back, causes my halt.
For the bottom I cannot see
the other side a mystery.
And a voice is always calling me to leap
and my cowardice makes me weep.
For I cannot obey, my fear too great,
too large, too much weight.

"Say your name, just your name
and I'm ready to go.
Even ready to fall."
Place in me your holy flame.
Let it wash me as snow.
Let it consume my all.
No deeper craving, 
no deeper care.
to have that saving
to be with you there.
My greatest fear my best desire.
To be killed by your cleansing fire.
How much to lose? How much to gain?
To face the fire or be washed in your rain?

No choice my mind can make,
to trust in you, my pride to break.
No choice my mind conjures
to fall on you, or face the fires.

Some say you've made the choice already,
if that's so, come, make it for me.
My human reason has not the will
to fight itself, nor risk the hell.

And you do. Lord I'm so thankful
that you come to me,
and show me the way.
And you do. God I'm so grateful
that you let me see
I can only pray
My thanks. From the core
of this helpless whore
who spent its life in defiance
to your magnificence.
Stay in me, and clean
the wretched dour
heartstains. I dream
of a day when it's pure.

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